The truth will set you free...

In this first book from the trilogy I investigate and relay different versions of the truth – what I had always believed to be true as a child, what actually was the truth, and of course what the management at rehab expected me to portray as true, with regards to concealing the true nature of my sexuality from the other patients. 

As time passes on the island and I listen to the stories of others, I find myself drawing closer and closer to the core of my own traumas.  ‘The Major’ becomes concerned and refers me to one of the other staff for more intensive counseling.   This triggers an intense depression and a visiting doctor prescribes me with anti-depressants. 

My new counselor has credibility that stems from personal experience of addiction and he shows a non-judgemental approach to my homosexuality.  But the more he encourages me to face my demons, the more frightened of exposing them I become.  I find myself propelled back to a horrific night when I was fourteen but I am so ashamed, I find it impossible to relay the experience to the counselor.   Instead, I concoct an alternate scenario of sexual abuse.  I do so with the hope that any advice he gives me, can be applied to the real scenario, but without me having to confront the true story of what had actually happened to me.

My experience of rehab is rapidly becoming a cacophony of untruths.  Given that it is expected of me by management to lie about my sexuality, the burden of lies is not one I must carry on my own – the management are also guilty of hiding the truth.

I learn more about the chequered history of Rotoroa Island, from a patient who is also called Ivan.  He has been ‘held’ on the island for over twenty years under ‘The Act’.  He tells me  more about Rotoroa’s past – fires, escapes, a sinking of the ferry which resulted in the loss of lives, and relationships between staff and patients. 

But my biggest discovery is that Craig McCafferty, the former Super-intendant of the island (who interviewed me for referral to detox in the first place) was guilty of dipping his hands into the patient’s funds.  Though it had cost him his position, and he was stripped of his uniform, this issue was dealt with internally and swept under the carpet.

I consider my own experience of growing up as a child of Salvation Army officers, and sift through the many lies and deception that took place behind the scenes in our household.  What we presented from the front door as a family was in stark contrast to how the family truly presented behind the safety of closed doors.


Truth is like the town whore.  Everybody knows her, but nonetheless, it's embarrassing to meet her on the street.
Wolfgang Borchert - The Outsider